One of the obligatory ministries of Jesus was to be a reconciler, a healer. We will know its importance when we look at the number of times he spoke about it, and the number of incidents and parables that involve forgiveness and reconciliation.
For Jesus reconciliation or healing was not just forgiving or curing ailments; but it was restoration. In the parable of the prodigal son, the lost son is restored back to sonship. “I will gather you from all the nations and places where I have banished you, declares the Lord, and will bring you back to the place from which I carried you into exile” (Jeremiah 29: 13-14). The climax of God’s restoration is on the Cross. Through his suffering and death, he reconciled all things to himself, he restored all things to God.
Jesus's restoration is prefigured in the bronze serpent on the desert. “Then the Lord sent fiery serpents among the people and they bit the people, so that many people of Israel died. So the people came to Moses and said, We have sinned, because we have spoken against the Lord and against you; intercede with the Lord, that He will remove the serpents from us. And Moses interceded for the people. Then the Lord said to Moses, Make a fiery serpent, and put it on a flag pole; and it shall come about, that everyone who is bitten, and looks at it, will live. So Moses made a bronze serpent and put it on the flag pole; and it came about, that if a serpent bit someone, and he looked at the bronze serpent, he lived (Numbers 21: 6-9). This is also referenced in John 3: 14-15, indicating Jesus and His Cross. As Mosas lifted up the bronze serpent in the desert, the Son of Man will be lifted up on the cross; and anyone who looks on him will be restored.
Looking at the healings of Jesus, often the aspect of restoration stands out. The woman who touched the fringe of Jesus' clock and got healed of her bleeding, was called back by Jesus and He showed her to the society that she is well, and thus her stigma is removed and her social status is restored.
Resurrection is the ultimate forgiveness and it is the final restoration. It is making one whole again. “I will raise him on the last day.” Jesus' mission is not complete without forgiveness. So he comes back to forgive. Even on the cross before he uttered the words, all is accomplished, he asks his father to forgive his murderers. Without forgiveness whatever we may have achieved becomes inconsequential and empty.
Reconciliation or restoration is a process; in which forgiveness is a major aspect. What is forgiveness? When we are hurt by someone, our first emotion is to get even with that person. We get into a feeling of revenge. We assume that after an apt revenge is taken things get back to normal. But in truth, once hurt, every time we see that person the hurt feeling returns, silently they begin to determine the quality of our happiness and life. We gather the ruins of our hurts, and build a monument with it. And any time we meet someone with whom we are comfortable, we take them for a free guided tour through the monument we have built. It is like a dog that keeps licking its wounds.
Dealing With Our Hurts Simply and Plainly
The process of forgiveness need not drag us to a court case, a punishment, or revenge. And it need not be heavy. Treat it as a passing experience, something you walk through rather than a mountain you carry.
Name the hurt. You were hurt. Whether you like it or not, the hurt has become part of your story, and it is shaping who you are. Do not deny it, and do not rush to “spiritualise” it. Say plainly, “This happened, and it hurt me.” Psychologists have long observed that a feeling we acknowledge loosens its grip, while one we suppress keeps working on us from the inside. Carl Rogers noted that change begins when we first accept what is.
Let go of the wish to change the other. You cannot change what they did, or who they are. You can only change what you do with it. This is not weakness or approval. Forgiving is not condoning, and it is not forgetting. It is simply choosing where to spend your energy. Research on rumination (Susan Nolen-Hoeksema) shows that replaying an injury over and over deepens distress rather than resolving it. Letting go of the other person is how you stop that loop.
See it as a lesson. Ask yourself three questions. What did this show me about myself? What did it show me about people? What would I do differently now? Psychologists call this cognitive reappraisal: looking at the same event from a wider frame so it no longer defines you. Studies of post-traumatic growth (Tedeschi and Calhoun) find that many people report deeper strength, clearer values, and closer relationships after suffering, though only once they have worked through it.
Turn the hurt into an asset. The wound has taught you something, and that is now yours. The one who caused it, without meaning to, became your teacher. Look at that person as a benefactor. Gratitude is one of the best-studied ways of lifting the weight of the past (Robert Emmons), and it cannot sit comfortably beside bitterness.
Thank them, with a light heart. Say thank you, in your heart or, where it is safe and wise, in person. Thank God for that person and for that experience. You may look foolish to others, but it is a gentle foolishness that frees you. (Where the person is still harming you, or the relationship is unsafe, keep the thanks inward. Forgiveness does not require you to stay within reach of harm.)
Be kind to yourself. Forgiveness has an inward side. Speak to yourself as you would to a friend who was hurt. Kristin Neff’s work on self-compassion shows that kindness toward oneself, not self-criticism, is what makes healing last.
Know what you are doing. Researchers distinguish decisional forgiveness (“I will not take revenge”) from emotional forgiveness (the heart actually softens). The first can be done in a day. The second often takes time. Do not be discouraged if the feelings return. Return to the steps, gently. And remember that forgiveness and reconciliation are different. Forgiveness is yours to give alone. Reconciliation needs two people, and it may or may not follow.
What you gain. Through forgiveness we heal ourselves. Studies link it to lower stress, better sleep, lower blood pressure, and less anxiety and depression (Fred Luskin, Loren Toussaint, Everett Worthington). The hurt no longer weighs you down because you have turned it into something constructive.
A warning. If we skip the processing, spiritualise the hurt, and rush to say “I’m sorry” or “I forgive you,” it becomes a mockery. The words are empty because the inner work is missing. Forgiveness that does not first pass through honest feeling is only politeness.
Study the post resurrection appearance of Jesus to the apostles (John 20: 19-21). Here we have a sublime model of forgiveness.The apostles were behind closed doors; afraid, of course, of the Jews ––they have finished our master, and next is us. They were also afraid of Jesus ––the one they betrayed, denied, abandoned, and in the process got killed and buried, is now walking around, he is meeting varied people. At any time he can come for us. Jesus comes in and says, “peace be with you”. It is like going and telling the person, simply and with a light heart, it is okay, I forgive. Jesus gives up the power to take revenge. Jesus owned his wounds, he did not hide it, they were a mark of his identity, the proof of the life he had lived; it has become an asset. Scars—whether physical, emotional, or mental—are quiet proof that you have faced hardship, endured pain, and continued moving forward. There is an anonymous quote that says, “My scars tell a story. They are reminders of when life tried to break me, but failed."
One must forgive and march forward; but we must also make sure that our forgiveness, or the forgiveness that we have received, bears further fruit; or it remains cheap grace. Is Jesus’s forgiveness conditional? Though in many places Jesus places conditional clauses to the forgiveness given, even in the ‘Our Father’ prayer, his act of forgiveness on the cross was unconditional. In Matthew 5: 10, Jesus tells first go and reconcile with your brother and then come and offer sacrifice. In the story of the king who forgave his servant a huge sum of money, Matthew 18: 21 onwards, when he learned that he had not forgiven his fellow servant a small sum of money becomes furious and punishes him. God gives us forgiveness as a gift, and he expects, like all other talents and gifts, that we bear fruit with it, and not to be just kept for ourselves. We receive forgiveness, multiply reconciliation among people by extending forgiveness to others.
From the retreat talks by Fr John Kusumalayan, OP.
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